Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
