dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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