it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
