Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
