do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
