I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
