Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
