I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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