Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
