So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
