Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
