My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
