ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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