Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
