My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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