i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
