there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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