I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
