her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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