I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
