That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
