Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think I sprained my soul last night
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
