Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
