if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
