You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
