im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
