Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You pole danced in your parka.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
