I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
