I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
