My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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