god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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