On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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