i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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