i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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