I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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