rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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