Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
