I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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