There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
