Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
