Redeem this text for a blowjob
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
