hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
