I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
