he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
