On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
