Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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