The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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