Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
