Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
