he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i drank out of a bidet.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
