I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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