Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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