just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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